גמלתהו טוב ולא רע, כל ימי חייה

 “She will bestow upon him good and not bad all the days of her life.”

Consistency is a vitally important trait. And it is the perfect follow up to the previous verse about trust. They go hand in hand. Consistency is what we rely on. It is what allows us to trust. If one is kind one moment and cruel the next then the kindness not only is diminished but often cannot be remembered.

Unfortunately we are much more likely to believe the bad than the good. When someone says something nice (“I love what you are wearing!”) we smile and thank the person, hoping the comment was sincere and not followed by an eye roll the second the person’s back is turned. However, ultimately a compliment has two possibilities: it was sincere, or it was insincere.

But when one says something that isn’t so kind or thoughtful “You are one of the most obnoxious people I have ever met!” we don’t think to ourselves that maybe the person really does like us and just didn’t say it. It is pretty clear that the person isn’t too fond of us, even if it shouldn’t have been stated. So while we hope the positive is true, we don’t necessarily completely trust or believe it is. Whereas the unkind and cruel statements we automatically assume are true. More so, we know that once something that should not have been said has been stated, making it disappear can become a virtually impossible task. As the well-known perfectly states: “Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.”

Now consistency isn’t absolute. It is virtually impossible to always say the right thing, to always have the correct response, to always be patient and kind. But if the majority of the time the positive outweighs the negative, then that is what will be felt and received by others. Then the behavior that we regret will not represent us and will be seen as out of character.

Consistency also doesn’t mean that we don’t change. Quite the contrary, as growth and development require change. But our motives and end goal remain the same even if the process of getting there shifts dramatically. The verse does not discuss doing the same things the same way but rather consistency bestowing goodness. And all of the days of her life. No matter where we are, what we are going through or what we are doing, we should always remain steadfast in wanting to ensure that those we love and care for receive that positive support and kindness from us. Ultimately, we want to strive that our feelings remain the same even when the situations change.

In order to treat others with kindness and goodness, we must be able to see those traits in others. The Baal Shem Tov, the founder of the Chassidic movement, taught that what we see in another person is a reflection of what we see in ourselves. This can therefore be positive or negative. When we are critical, it is often because we don’t like that same character trait that we possess and therefore we are that much more likely to spot it—and dislike it—in another. Likewise, if we try to focus on our strengths and recognize that we are trying to do the right thing even if we don’t always succeed, we will see that in others as well and then have an easier time being kind and “bestowing the good” when dealing with them.

It can be easy to think that if someone is nice, consistently nice, it must be because their life is so simple, so easy, so positive that it is only natural to react in such a way. And most definitely this can be the case. Those who are raised with support, patience and lovingkindness will hopefully want to emulate that in their lives. But sometimes the exact opposite upbringing can result in this. As will be discussed in more detail in the section about the woman related to this verse, there are times that those who come from the most unkind and hostile of environments are the ones who live lives filled with goodness and positivity. It is not that they were taught what to do or how to treat people, but rather they were taught what not to do and knew first hand how to never relate to others.

This verse follows the Beit which is the letter representing the open home. The reminder to us is that the way we choose to be, our future, is not dependent on the upbringing or home we come from. Rather it is up to each and every one of us, every single day, to determine how we think, speak and behave. Treating others with goodness and kindness is a choice. And it is our choice. So every day we decide if how we interact with others will be “good, and not bad.” And we decide this, “all the days of our lives.”

In Part 9 we will discuss how Rebecca, the woman connected to this verse, shows us how we have the ability to recreate our lives and transform our circumstances.

Interinclusion is thrilled to announce that it is in the process of writing its first book to be published ideally by the Spring of 2015. It is an in-depth exploration of the text of Eshet Chayil (“A Woman of Valor”), the quintessential text honoring the Jewish woman. We would like to share parts of the material with our readers so we will be publishing sections from each chapter. We welcome your feedback and comments! 

http://www.interinclusion.org/inspirations/revealing-ones-true-nature-eshet-chayil-part-9/

http://www.interinclusion.org/inspirations/feeling-at-home-eshet-chayil-part-7/

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