דרשה צמר ופשתים ותעש בחפץ כפי’ה

“She seeks out wool and flax and works willingly with her hands.”

My kids are constantly complaining that I don’t treat them the same. And they are right. They are not the same people and so I have different expectations of each one of them. There are times it might not seem fair but being equal does not mean being the same. And so, my 16 year old has responsibilities that my 10 year old doesn’t have and likewise consequences that are age appropriate as well for each child.

For children it can be confusing. I may seem inconsistent. One child I am strict with about bedtime (this kid is out of control when lacking sleep) whereas I am lax with another child about the same thing. So here is the real question? Am I being inconsistent? Am I flip flopping? Or am I consistently determining what is needed for each individual in each individual situation?

Does consistency mean always doing the same thing? It is easy to think that this is the definition. After all, if I am consistent, it should mean that I continuously think, say and act the same way. But here is the catch. The very same thought, word or action in one situation can have a very different meaning in another. Consistency is vitally important and was the focus of the previous verse on Gimmel discussing how Rivkah was “good and not bad all the days of her life.” But that is the thing. Consistency is not necessarily being the same day to day but rather having the same motivation and goals for why we are doing what we are doing. And the “what” may vary greatly.

Immediately following this lesson of consistency, the text then seems to take a turn by focusing on the need for differentiation. Maybe not at first glance. After all, how exactly does seeking out wool and flax have anything to do with separation? And yet it does.

But for a moment, let me digress. I must say, this is one of those verses that was the impetus for writing this book in the first place. It would be a beautiful Friday night and we would be sitting with our guests at the Shabbat meal. Often we have guests that have never been to a Shabbat meal before and so everything is new. Before my husband would sing this text of Eshet Chayil he would preface that this is a section of Proverbs dedicated to the Jewish woman to thank her and acknowledge her foundational and essential place in her family, community and the world at large. Moved by this introduction, I would watch as they would scan the translation, waiting to read this romantic and empowering poem. And then seconds into it, the smile would turn to a bit of confusion and I just knew they had hit this verse.

For the modern Jewish woman, seeking wool and flax and working willingly with our hands is just not that relatable. Or interesting. Or flattering. Until we dig deep. And once we do, we see how this verse is  relevant to all of our lives and a foundational lesson for each and every one of us. But first we must understand the wool and the flax within ourselves and our relationships.

Wool can come from a number of animals but generally we think of it as coming from sheep (though your favorite cashmere sweater is also considered wool and comes from  goats). Wool is soft. It can absorb (almost 1/3 of its own weight in water!). It is an insulating fabric which allows the body to retain heat making it extremely popular during the winter and is cohesive with the individual fibers attaching to each other in ways that other fabrics don’t do.

When we take these qualities and relate them to the emotive attributes, wool is compared to chesed, lovingkindness. Soft, kind, protective, insulating, connective.

Then we come to flax. Granted, it is rare to read the label on clothing and see the word flax, but it is the origin of linen which is something we are much more familiar with. Now if you’ve ever worn linen you know that this fabric is impossible. It looks great until you actually move. And once you do, it is the least forgiving fabric there is. Every crease shows. So much as sit down and you will look like you’ve been sleeping in that shirt or skirt for a week. And yet, linen is an extremely durable and tough fabric. It does not stretch and is known to keep one cool when it is hot.

If we were to summarize the two fabrics, you wear wool when it is cold outside and you want to retain your heat and you wear linen when it is hot outside and you want to stay cool. One attaches to you and insulates, the other detracts and keeps everything away.

So if wool is the concept of chesed, ‘lovingkindness’, flax represents gevurah, loosely translated as ‘strength.’ It is often associated with the idea of having boundaries and definition vs. the openness and fluidity associated with lovingkindness.

Now it is pretty clear that both have advantages and disadvantages. Both have their time and their place. As different as they are, they can both serve the same purpose to provide the right type of material depending on the weather.

But here is the catch. There is a Jewish law that prohibits the wearing of any garment that contains both wool and linen. Strange? You betcha. Practically this means that before buying a product we ensure that these two fabrics aren’t both listed. Just as milk and meat are not to be mixed in food, so too wool and linen cannot be in clothing (and interestingly enough, for very similar reasons psychologically). Lovingkindness should not be intertwined with the boundaries and restrictions, and vice versa. At least not in the same garment. There is a time and a place for everything.

What is the big deal of mixing these fabrics? Why all the trouble and effort to ensure that both not be present in the same garment? It’s all about consistency and differentiation. But really there is something bigger. The laws relating to this are called shatnez. Jewish law can be categorized in a variety of ways. There are the laws that are related to the Jewish calendar. These laws are time bound and detail how we celebrate or acknowledge events throughout the year. Pretty clear cut. After all, we all have days that are important to us, such as our birthdays, anniversaries, etc. So even if January 21st has no special significance to you, if I tell you it is my daughter’s birthday, you are not going to question why we are going out to dinner that night.

Then there are the laws that relate to morality. Simply put, we would (hopefully) keep them naturally, intuitively, even if we were told not to. Generally speaking we drive at a certain speed because of safety. We understand that taking something that is not ours or that we haven’t paid for is stealing and wrong. We try not to hurt others physically and respect life and would not intentionally take the life of another. You follow. General morality, while it is something that the Torah dictates, also can be found as laws that are an integral part of any healthy society.

And then there is shatnez. Or for that matter, the dietary restrictions associated with keeping kosher. And a whole lot more. They fall into the category of a chok. While we have numerous explanations, reasons and spiritual meaning behind each and every one of them, bottom line, we do them because we were told to. They do not make sense on their own. They are not laws we would have come up with if we were choosing. But for whatever the ultimate reason is, they were commanded of us and so we don’t mix our wool with our linen. “You shall observe My statutes: . . . and a garment which has a mixture of shatnez shall not come upon you,” (Leviticus 19:19).

Except…

Yeah, you knew it wasn’t going to be that simple! There are three garments that not only are allowed to have the mixture of wool and linen, but must have these two combined. The first is the clothing of the High Priest that was worn in the Holy Temples in Jerusalem (Exodus 27:5). The other two are the tallit which is the prayer shawl worn by a man and the tallit katan, known as tzitzit, often known as ritual fringes, worn by males under their clothing. These two are related (“Speak to the children of Israel and say to them: They shall make for themselves fringes on the corners of their garments… And this shall be tzitzit for you, and when you see it, you will remember all the commandments of G-d, and perform them” (Numbers 15:38-39).  All three are considered holy garments. All three have specifications and are required to be worn by Jewish law at certain times. All have a mixture of wool and linen.

The commandment of the tallit and tzitzit both have the same message in that the knots that are tied on the four corners are the same. There are 8 strings and 5 knots equaling 13. The numerical equivalent of the word tzitzit is 600. Put the two together and you have 613 representing the total number of commandments in the Torah. Basically, when a man wears his tallit to pray or his tzitzit, he is immediately reminded of his obligations through what is connected to his body either under his clothing at all times or wrapped around him when he is in prayer.

So with that extensive explanation, now we can get back to the verse.

“She seeks wool and linen and works willingly with her hands.”

Knowing what wool and linen represent, seeking them out and working with them is the idea that she is the one creating the holy garments and the only garments in which they can be mixed. She understands the necessity, when in the proper place, for there to be a mixture of both lovingkindess and boundaries, and simultaneously ensures that they not be mixed in an environment were it would not be healthy or appropriate.

But there is a much larger message as well.

My husband and I often work with couples who are struggling and having issues in their marriages. As their counselors, we listen to the problems and use Chassidic philosophy to help alleviate the situations.

A common complaint amongst these men is that their wives are repeatedly bothering them and nagging them to do things. It can range from taking out the garbage to spending less time on internet to making it to work on time. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what the focus is, the issue is the constant haranguing and repeating of what needs to get done.

The women respond that their husbands are not being responsible and the only way to ensure that they are taking care of what needs to be done is by non stop reminders. It is as frustrating to them to have to keep repeating themselves as it is to their husbands to have to keep hearing it.

There is no question that the motivation is love for the spouse. She wants him to succeed at his job so she keeps telling him to get up earlier in the morning so he won’t be late to work. She wants the house kept neat and clean so she reminds him to wash his dishes. And the list goes on. And the husband understands that she is “right” in all that she wants done, but it is the approach that is bothering him. He doesn’t want to be constantly reminded by her and yet he also acknowledges that when he isn’t, he often forgets or just doesn’t get it done.

And then we come to this verse in Eshet Chayil. She seeks out the wool and the flax. She is looking for ways to combine her lovingkindness with the boundaries, restrictions and even severity that might be needed. But it has to be in the right approach. The right garment. In almost every case they can’t be mixed. The blatant reminders won’t work. The non stop repeating or nagging won’t get it done and will only cause more stress and strife.

So she makes for him the tallit and the tzitzit. She creates holy garments, one which is worn constantly yet is under the clothing. The other that is only worn during times of prayer and is very visible and external. Both have their time and place. And in both, the reminder is part and parcel with the garment. The garment itself is comprised both of the wool and the flax. But more so, the knots along with the garment equal the 613, the reminder of all the commandments. By making for him these garments, she doesn’t need to constantly say what must be done, for by virtue of him wearing them, that is all he needs to hear. That is the reminder.

To us it is the lesson that often we speak the loudest when we say nothing at all but rather create the environment, create the message and imbed reminders of what is appropriate all around us. We do this through our actions, we do this when we model what we want our children doing. We can keep telling them one thing but they will ultimately imitate what they see. And with our relationships, especially our marriages, we do this when we are consistently being motivated by our love for the other and our desire for a healthy outcome. Sometimes we need to take a softer approach. Other times a stronger approach. Sometimes the garment is only wool and other times linen. And most of the time we must ensure they not be mixed. And then there are those special, holy times when they must go together. And we seek those times. We create those times. And we work willingly with our hands, working together that wool and that linen, and imbuing our message within all that we do and all that surrounds us.

http://www.interinclusion.org/inspirations/its-all-about-that-balance-eshet-chayil-part-12/

http://www.interinclusion.org/inspirations/three-is-not-a-crowd-eshet-chayil-part-10/ 

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